I was looking through my old notepad when I came across the beginning of a story I wrote about a year ago, and I was definitely surprised! I couldn’t believe the lack of description! To compare it to my writing nowadays, I decided to re-write it in the format of how I would write it now.
The old opening (2016 October, almost 10)
In an unknown time span, where humans are yet to exist, there was a girl. She was Darcie (at least that’s what she called herself). Strangely, Darcie had no memory of her parents, if she had any siblings and even how old she was! Her estimate was 14. Darcie hadn’t really gone outside, the only place she had ever discovered was a strange primrose type of fruit growing on a tree; it wasn’t that good of a food source. Ever since then, Darcie had been terrified of going anywhere but the safety of her home, she had seen several mystical creatures nearby (attempting to eat her). She’d known nothing better. This is what she considered normal…It wasn’t…
One day, Darcie was picking fruit for her breakfast, when she heard a rustle in the bushes behind her. A dark shadow dashed past her! Suddenly, “it” began
to multiply! What was it? Just then, 5 animals (including tigers, lions and panthers). They surrounded Darcie, blocking every exit! Without warning, a monster
with blue fur appeared.
“Leave me alone!” pleaded Darcie.
The new opening (2017 November, age 11)
A bead of sweat meandered down Darcie’s cheek. As she stretched out, a violent spear of pain shot through her stomach reminding her that she hadn’t eaten for six days straight. She stared up at the sky, drenched. The fear radiating off of her seemed to only bring the rain plunging down stronger than ever. It stung like lashes of whip being scraped across her face. She cocked her head down. Once again, Darcie felt the strange surge of excitement and dread as she wriggled her fingers gingerly. She expanded her arm towards the neighboring tree, licking her lips. Deep within the maze of branches was a pitiful, puny Dragon Fruit. It would seem like a dot in comparison to the entire universe, but it would be enough to keep Darcie alive for another week. Trembling, she quickly snatched it from the knotted maze, descended down the tree and then surveyed the area. It was clear – or so she thought.
As Darcie examined the fruit for insects, she sensed something pass her. She felt a jolt of pure, cold fear. The odour of the jungle was soaked with a new aggression. Something was there. Something was watching. Her heart quickened its pace as she felt anxiety coiling at the base of her skull. Quivering, Darcie gave a little screech of despair and suddenly clutched her blonde hair. Her brain was urging her to run as rustles in the leaves became louder, but for some unknown reason, she couldn’t.
“What you diverin’ ‘ere for?” a deep voice snarled.