Improving Jacqueline Wilson’s Queenie?

Recently , I have become a huge Jacqueline Wilson fan and not too long ago , I picked up a book called “Queenie”. I really love it , but I want to see if I could improve the first paragraph. In Jacqueline Wilson’s text , it says :

I lived with my nan. It was wonderful. Just the two of us in our cosy basement flat. We both has a bedroom. Mine was a little box room, and I didn’t really have a proper bed , just a couch with a pillow and an eiderdown , but Nan turned it into a Wendy house for me , with a lovely Tinkerbell lampshade. She let me keep the light on all night because I was afraid of the dark. Sometimes I crept into bed with Nan in her room , but she never minded.

So now , I decided to improve her beginning paragraph.

Me and my nan lived in our cosy basement flat which really didn’t really have much things in it but I didn’t mind . Living in it was wonderful. We both had a bedroom which we stayed for most of the day. Mines was a room which was crammed and small like a medium sized box and a couch with a small pillow which was weak and frail. One of the chair legs had broken and the colour of the couch was fading away. It had tatted bits of felt and I saw the spongey foamy thing that you see if you ripped the colour off or something. Recently , Nan had turned it into a little cute Wendy house for me , with a lovely Tinkerbell lampshade. It always used to be my “little guidance” and it really helped me to sleep. I kept it all night and apparently , Nan didn’t really mind. She said,

“As long as you rest your head , then I really don’t mind you keeping it on all night , poppet. ”

Sometimes , I would sneak into Nan’s room and stay in her bed. She was there , with me , always.

 

How did you think I did? Did you like it? I would appreciate your thoughts. 🙂

 

~ Victoria 🙂